Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
