It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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