My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
