My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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