i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Someone signed my nipple.
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