Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
