there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
