she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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