Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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