My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
