its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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