You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
