i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you had me at cake vodka
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
