Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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