Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And then he peed in my hair
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