someone get that fucking seahorse.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I touched a dick in church today
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
