and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
