You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
