I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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