How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
