And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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