Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
