I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
