Got a toothbrush?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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