I will die if light touches me.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
