your thong is hanging out like whoa
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
