My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
