Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
