Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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