There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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