I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
they're like a gay fantastic four
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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