You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
zippers are such a cool invention
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
