Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
