Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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