I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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