I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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