Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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