I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
