rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
