Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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