made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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