we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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