I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I didn't notice because vodka
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize