I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
