Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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