my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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