Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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