well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
