$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
