I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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