just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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