I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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