I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
