Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
