His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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