oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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