you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
