if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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