My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
