chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
ugly people sure do ruin things
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
