Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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