apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
