My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
