Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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