I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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