i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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