Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I need to calm my uterus...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
