Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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