Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
